Wednesday, October 10, 2012

The Farricker Spirit Award Nomination

The Farricker Spirit Award is given to the player in the open division of the USA Ultimate's Club Championship Series adjudged to have exhibited personal responsibility, integrity, and fairness combined with a high standard of playing ability. Below is Revolver's humble contribution to this highly coveted award. 

      Lumbering. Never has a word been so eloquently defined in the action of one human being as it has in the human who responds on occasion to the name Martin Cochran. It goes without saying that his very presence gives you an awkward tingle as if the state of his robust weight could tip into a disastrous tumble at any moment. The kind of tumble that could end badly for any knee, shin or small dog within tripping distance. Oh but it gets worse. 
      Once, in full sight of his college ultimate team, a simple wooden bench well respected in the Texas strip mall district took the full brunt of a sitting Martin, the crackling cries of those wooden planks as they shrieked for mercy gave nightmares to every bench within two miles. The only thing worse was the silence that followed, the hollow silence as he rose from the wreckage, there were no dogs that barked, no birds that sung, no words that could be spoken. Only one broken bench that sat crushed and humiliated, ruined to a point where it's soul purpose of supporting those with weary feet could never again be accomplished. 
      And who did Martin turn to in this dire time for condolence, BLAME, he turned to blame, the easy mistress of any guilty man, he blamed the wood, he blamed the team and he even blamed the size of the Texans who had sat before him. When the blame storm had subsided and only the chilling grip of loss still hung in the atmosphere Martin splayed out in the front seat of a parked car pulled out the Super Dupper Macho Nachos he had probably stolen and proceeded to smirkily regard the depleted bench while stuffing countless calories down his chubby gullet. 
      Does this sound like the type of man that embodies the Farricker award? The answer is an obvious and resounding NO. But due to the sterile climate and the rule about no repeats we, like the republican party, are forced to put forth a candidate who remains only because of the crumbling lack in competence of the other nominees. 
      We are not proud of this and we honestly did search high and low in the kitchen cabinets for another but like a three day old burned pot who destroyed every last drop of delicious soup Martin has remained. Crusty, filthy and in need of a soapy soak we have finally come to realize that Matin Cochran is the only pot we have and unless we want to buy a new one we are all going to have to cook with the pot we got. 

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Magic Mike done right

Today i sat as i do most days wondering what male stripper movie i would watch, checking the local listings i came across, “Magic Mike” staring Channing Tatum, so I grabbed my basketball, took off my shirt, slung on my duffle bag, hung my aviator glasses from my mouth and went to learn some new moves. Me and the screaming young ladies and giddy gay men where not disappointed as everyone in the audience added their own sound track of hoots, hollers and tasteful cat calls to the collage of man flesh that gently suffocated the giant screen. We all learned that a mans pelvis does not have to follow the laws of gravity and if placed in nothing but a thong then it would transform into a gyrating torrent of tasteful teasing that could catch cash the way kansas catches tornadoes.
Being an aspiring writer and ultimate frisbee player means making actual money is only a mirage, so i would be lying if i said i didn’t go there with the intent of venture research.  There before my eyes men of similar stature and moral qualities had wads of dollars hung like ornaments off thong shaped christmas trees that left me feeling like maybe i was missing an integral part of life. 
The movie continued on, painfully bad dialogue mixed with kind of funny lines made for an acceptable passing of time until the next Channing strip charade could commence. You could tell his whole acting career had been preparing for this one movie where he gracefully combined all his other roles from, GI Joe, Step Up, Dear John into his chosen craft of stripping.  
Then of course there was Matthew McConaughey who like Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder finally got to be himself for the joy of most. Prancing and strutting about like a rooster who never met a better cock he ruled his hen house with an iron beak, letting the other chicks fight for the scraps. 
Inevitably the movie wound down, I will not spoil the ending but lets just say I ignored the last few scenes because magic mike kept making decisions that were not inline with my own desires. The credits began I gathered my new moves and my friends who i had dragged there under the guise of saying, it’s the highest ranked new movie on rotten tomato and headed directly to my full length mirror where I have been practicing ever since.

Thursday, June 28, 2012


We just got our USA jerseys for the up coming 2012 world games in Japan and it inspired the muse of poetry to stop by, she had herself a bowl of Cherrios a cheese sandwich and two bags of fruit snacks, once satiated here is what she whispered in my ear.

The United States of America year 2012.
I don’t know why our country fights a war in place i can’t point to on a map
I cant explain why our congress acts like spoiled child who didn’t take a nap.
I am confused by the fact that not all our citizens have the same equal rights.
I can’t tell you why race or sex makes one earn less then a male who’s white.
Because I dropped out of a decent college.
I’ll probably never comprehend why in our nation bigotry is allowed to stand.
While the richest of rich tighten the noose of control around their fellow man.
I’ll be forever flummoxed by the fact that in our land obesity is called a epidemic.
While the poor starve and the people who actually need help can’t seem to get it.
However though I have a terrible memory.
I can remember a few great men and women in our not always perfect history.
And I can certainly tell you why soldiers died to make and keep this nation free.
So even though I think we all should strive for better in almost every single way. 
I actually do know what others gave and I am truly honored to represent the USA.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

New Blog

oh wow yesterday i got a fancy new blog, i felt like a caveman who
just received a ferrari. There i was barely figuring out how to roll
my recently invented wheel AKA “The Internet” down a hill and some
dinosaur AKA “My Coach” gives me a ferrari with a license plate that
says BLOG. Running a finger over it’s gentle slopes I repeat the word
over and over sounding like true caveman.
       “blog! blog! blog. blog?”
       I sat there gazing over this strange bright red item and i realize i
have no idea what i am supposed to do with it. The dinosaur opens a
side and i slide in, the seat appears to made from a animals hide but
when i try to eat it the dinosaur gets mad and growls.
       “The Blog is not for salivating on or biting off more then you can chew”
       I had no patience since i am caveman and i begin to thrash about in a
satisfyingly  juvenile rage, breaking as much as i could, and the
dinosaur states,
       “the Blog is not for pitching tantrums in”
       Well i know i don’t want to sleep in the blog, it would be to
dangerous, the raptors AKA “the readers” would tear apart anything
that sat still in a shiny red Blog. In frustration i kneed some
special button and the growl of grumpy sabertooth rumbles the whole
Blog to life.
       “Why did you cage a sabertooth in the back part of this Blog?” I
yelled over the sound, trying to flee in one piece but the dinosaur
puts his big greasy head down and whispers.
       “Be calm Beau, the Blog is powerful once you learn how to use it you
can go anywhere and do anything but be carful for that same power can
hurt others or yourself. If you run anyone over i will take this nice
Blog away from you and will have to go back to playing with your rock
       Had the breath of the terrible Coach dinosaur not been so repulsive I
surly would have passed on the Blog but i couldn’t think straight in
those fumes so i muttered.
       “Okay i will be carful”
       I of course punctuated that statement in typical caveman fashion by
defecating loudly all over the animal hide seat of the dinosaurs
precious Blog. The toothy wanna be dragon yelled one more warning
before leaving me be.
       “Beau the Blog is definitely not for dropping pieces of sh*t”
       I am not sure what the last word was because my elbow hit the wheel
in front of my seat and it made loud “honk” noise right in the middle
of the word. Eventually i cleaned up the smelly mess returning both
bottom and Blog to their squeaky clean state.
       Now with little supervision i am ready to start learning what the
full potential is of this elegant red Blog that still smells slight
like poop yet grumbles with hidden powers. Now who wants to come along
for a ride? this beautiful ferrari has a nice unsoiled seat for one